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OK Hi again this is "Purple Polkadots" The Random Jokes page which now has some purple polkadots on it!
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Joke of the week:
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.
They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.
The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!'
The man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!
Other Jokes:
When a couple's second child was on the way, they attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Two guys meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one of the guys. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "if you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary for surgery
As she lay her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner cried out, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination on the table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on his haunches, shook his head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definately, 100%, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£3350.00!!!", she cried,"£3350.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £320.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."
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What do you call a girl standing between two goalposts?
Annette!
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Person 1: My dog's got no nose!
Person 2: How does he smell?
Person 1: Awful!
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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
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How can you get five donkeys in a fire engine?
Two in the front, two in the back and one on top going "eeyore, eeyore"!
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,set up their tent,and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies,
"I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Someone has stolen our tent".
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A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the
has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European
Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he
can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of
European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with
his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the
Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert
in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake.
Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young
man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed
listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young
fellow there. ""Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a
World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just
been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to
say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you
certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly
exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing
and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: “Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.
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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The interrup-
Moo!!!
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Dracula is walking home late one night when he feels something hit the back of his head. He turns round to see who it was, but he looks around and can't see anyone. Then he notices that on the ground there is a sausage roll.
"Hmmm, that's strange" he thinks to himself, but looks round again, can't see anyone, and carries on. A little while later he feels something else hit him on the back of the head, and he turns around quite quickly, but again, there's no-one there. On the ground there is a pork pie.
"How odd" he thinks, and has a really good look round, but as he still can't see anyone he carries on. A short time later he feels something else hit the back of his head and he turns around as fast as he can, but still he can't see anyone. On the floor is a sandwich. Just then he hears someone behind his, so he turns round, and a woman stabs him through the heart with a cocktail stick.
"Wh-who are you?" asks Dracula
"I'm Buffet the vampire slayer!"
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